It’s not that it didn’t have lots of explosions. It’s not that it lacked identifiable characters from our childhood. It’s not even that it was missing the semi-attractive-scantily-clad-female-who-can’t-act-and-is-simply-there-as-eye-candy aspect. It had all of that; and maybe that was the problem; that’s all it had.

My biggest issue with this scrap heap of a film is the giant plot holes.  First off, the humans are actually still trying to fight the Decepticons. These massive, dozen ton aliens typically take the form of military weaponry which is so vastly superior to that of humanity that if one even looked at a human, the fleshbag would most likely soil himself to the point that his very soul would end up as a tread mark in his tighty whiteys. I mean, the US military (the only military that the Autobots deal with by the way) could save the lives of thousands of soldiers and just have Optimus Prime do all the fighting for them, but I’m sure it’s better this way. And that’s not even really a hole in the plot, its just idiocy.

So I guess my issue isn’t really with holes, but rather plot stupidity. For example, Sam Witwicky gets placed with a roommate who somehow has enough money to fill two rooms full of computers and top of the line hacking equipment, while hiring two kids to run it all, but somehow says his family’s poor. Oh, did I forget to mention that Witwicky’s hacker roommate is obsessed with “finding out the truth about the robot aliens that the government has been keeping secret.” You couldn’t find a nicer formula in an algebra textbook.

Being a Decepticon is a choice... a fabulous, fabulous choice

Fun fact: Transformers can teleport across entire planets. Yeah, they can. It’s a nifty little plot device that Michael Bay whips out instead of explaining what the hell is going on. From the Smithsonian to the Egyptian desert in under 3 seconds. It happens shortly after a formerDecepticon mentions off-hand that being evil is a choice, so he’s now chosen to be an Autobot. What?!?! This is a completely new concept to me. Apparently being evil is a choice, like the Republican take on being gay. When I would play with Transformers as a kid, you didn’t buy plain civilian Transformers and then decide what side they would fight for. Furthermore, I don’t need anybody telling me that Megatron was a sweet little bicycle growing up, but later decided to become a 20-ton killing machine. I don’t know about you, but I don’t go to the movies to get lectured about Good and Evil. If I wanted to be taught about ethics, I would stay at home and learn about them from Sesame Street. Television is for teaching, movies are for fun.

I suppose I could read about evil in the Bible. Interestingly though, Transformers 2 does, in fact, have some of the best parts of the New Testament. Namely the whole “resurrect the being who

Yeah, that looks about right

will bring all salvation to the universe and mankind” bit. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy a good old fashioned salvation myth like anyone else, but not when Jesus suddenly becomes synonymous with Transformer. If Jesus was Optimus Prime, then I can tell you how he got out of the cave on the third day: he blew it open with a plasma cannon, made his little “jhoop jhoop jhoop” sound when he turned into a Mack truck, and drove off into the Judean sunset.

But let’s ignore the fact that the plot was so weak and holey that it couldn’t even act as a vehicle for the violence and explosions Michael Bay is known for. The worst part is that the violence and the explosions were nothing but utter chaos. Call me old-fashioned, but I like to know who is getting their ass kicked when the kicking is happening, not once the fight is over. Half the time I couldn’t tell if I was supposed to be rooting for the robot that just had his arm snapped at the elbow or not. And all the while there were explosions. Oh were there explosions. Explosions of such scale and magnitude that I couldn’t make severed heads nor severed tails of what was happening on screen. Everybody loves a good explosion; whether it’s fire-bombing Alcatraz, destroying a KKK cross burning, or detonating Meat Loaf during Meat Loaf: Bat Out of Hell II – Picture Show, but there’s a point where it starts detracting from the film. Actually, an explosion in that last Bay picture would have made it far more interesting…

In all honesty, I could live with a bad plot, and blowing up too many things is a mistake we all make at some point in our lives. But making me sit through over two and a half hours of this inane, pseudo-ethical, half-assed resurrection, childhood-memory raping money machine for the final battle to last less than 60 seconds: that I cannot allow. What kind of first-grade script writing, Deus Ex Machina loving bullshit are you peddling, Bay? What, so all Optimus Prime has to do is strap on a rocket pack and some lasers, take out the sun-eating death machine with one shot, decapitate the Fallen with three hits and roll credits? FOR SHAME!

I wanted to be generous and give it a B-, but I couldn’t lie to myself that this film deserved to keep the Hollywood scholarship fund that let it get into theaters in the first place. So you get a C, because you should not only be kicked out of film school, Michael Bay, but you should not be able to look your parents in the eye when you tell them what grade your “biggest success” received. It also didn’t help that he’s already planning Transformers 3…

The least deadly on our list is also the most adorable.  In fact, it’s probably Nature’s ironic way of getting back at humanity for having high-schoolers dissect so many of its harmless relatives: the Poison Dart Frog.  Granted, it has the word “poison” right in its name, so you would have to be pretty stupid to screw around with this guy; but he’s so darn cute.  Well, let’s pretend that you happen upon one of these adorable little devils, because you’re traveling in Central or Southern America, as one often does.  Once he touches you, you’ll have a whole host of funky chemicals running through your system.  In fact, some reports indicate that this blue meanie has enough venom to kill you and your nine closest friends (or approximately 20,000 mice for our rodent readers).  Depending on the species of frog, you may die in minutes or get about as sick as the Pad Thai from that sketchy 24-hour Chinese restaurant down the street.  Either way, you had better get to a doctor very fast.  Oh wait, you’re in the middle of the Columbian rainforest and there aren’t any doctors for miles.  In that case, don’t be surprised if a search party finds your desiccated corpse months later next to a tree with the words “Screw you, Kermit” carved into the bark.

Sticking with the blue theme, let’s take a look at number four on our killer countdown: the Blue-Ringed Octopus.  This tiny, eight-legged freak is so adorably small that you may mistake him for a golf ball.  Granted, you would have to use some pretty weird looking balls to make that miscalculation, but stranger things have happened.  Let’s pretend you’re hunting for shells in the tide pools of the Eastern hemisphere and this grabby bugger decides you latch on and give you a nibble.  Once his razor-sharp beak cuts you open, he’ll inject you with enough poison to murder you and 25 other full-grown humans.  That’s basically a VW Mini-Bus worth of flower children parked on the lawn at Woodstock.  The best part?  You won’t even be able to do anything about it, because the toxins get to work immediately, causing muscle weakness, numbness, paralysis, and eventual death.  Fun weekend at the beach, right?

Third for tiny and terrifying: the Marbled Cone Snail.  It might be hard to tell what in the picture is a rock and what is an animal producing a poison so potent that one drop can kill over 20 humans.  The hint is: it’s the rock that looks the biggest.  That’s really the only clue you’ll have if you’re collecting shiny pebbles on the beach.  Well, that and the fact that you will likely begin to feel the effects of its neurotoxin cocktail immediately.  Blurred vision, swelling, tingling, and muscle paralysis are some of the symptoms.  It’ll seem like the worst fraternity hazing prank ever; and not just because you’ll end up unconscious while your friends write on your face in Sharpie.  No, you’re likely to be dead before they can pop the cap and begin thinking of a clever racial slur to stamp on your forehead.  But not necessarily.  The really trippy part is that you could die up to four days later, with no previous symptoms.  So, if you go to the beach and feel a little queasy three days later, you should write up your will real fast.

Think of the second to most deadly member of our list every time you eat a banana.  The Brazilian Wandering Spider loves to camp out in banana bunches and jump down on its unsuspecting prey.  That’s all well and good, except when its prey ends up being a less-than-minimum-wage-earning migrant worker.  Somehow a condolence fruit basket from the Chiquita lady just doesn’t seem like enough.  But don’t worry, these creepy crawlies also love to – as their name suggests – wander to all sorts of places, including cars, homes, piles of clothes, boots, pretty much anywhere you might accidently piss them off.  And when they get angry, remember that you are dealing with a celebrity: this spider set the record in 2007 for the most venomous and the spider responsible for the most human deaths.  And they were horrible erection-filled deaths too.  That’s right, I said erection.  One of the most common effects of the spider’s bite is priapism.  You might remember it from the Viagra adds they run during the football game, where they tell you to consult a doctor with an erection lasting more than four hours.  So, not only is it an undignified way to die (say goodbye to an open casket service) but it often means that even if you get medical treatment in time to survive, a little part of you has died regardless.  Well, not little; a good size.

Which brings us to number one, or however you say that in Australian: the Box Jellyfish.  It’s found primarily in the waters surrounding the land down under and can reach up to ten feet in length.  Almost forgot to mention though, one sting can kill you before you have time to get back to the beach.  You’re enjoying a vacation in Oz, pretending you’re Crocodile Dundee while you splash in the waves, and you suddenly think you’re having a heart attack.  It’s probably because five minutes earlier, you were stung by a Box Jelly and didn’t even feel it.  The toxins immediately and simultaneously attack your heart, lungs, and nervous system, causing full body muscle spasms leading to paralysis, cardiac arrest, and shock induced coma.  Even if you make it back to shore before your body seizes up and you sink like Leonardo DiCaprio at the end of Titanic, you still have weeks of painful recovery to look forward to.  You’ll be vomiting, crying, shaking, and soiling yourself enough to put a newborn to shame.  It might be worth mentioning that if you had been wearing a pair of lady’s pantyhose, you wouldn’t even need to worry about the jellyfish stingers reaching your skin.  But nevermind; you’re probably too manly to wear that kind of thing.  Let us know how manly you feel when you’re crying like a Girl Scout who skinned her knee just before making her first cookie delivery.

Now with more brain-swelling flavor!

“BU grad student develops infection: Possible link to lab experiment raises new safety concerns”

Yup, some genius at the Boston University medical campus managed to get himself infected with a bacterial infection; except maybe not. The Globe states it is “not yet certain that the researcher’s illness was caused by the bacteria he worked with.” Oh, so then this isn’t actually a story worth covering in the news? I’m confused. The article claimed the student developed a bacterial infection “days after conducting  experiments with dangerous meningitis germs”. Unlike the safe meningitis germs one might spread on toast. Wheat germ, meningitis germ? Seems perfectly safe to me. Though, knowing the party mentality of most BU students, at least the ones I know, this brilliant researcher probably just confused his test tube of deadly, brain-numbing bacteria for his test tube shot of Jagermeister.

“Senate candidates pledge to carry on Kennedy’s work”

Candidates promise to put in numerous hours of heavy drinking, sleeping during Senate sessions, and generally being such a bad-ass that they can pull off both without catching any flak. What? Too soon? Well then I’m not even going to mention the headline about “Bishop wants to meet with Kennedy”.

“Panel grapples with economic, social questions on casinos”

Dog tracks and casinos combined

I’m virtually positive that the only economic questions they dealt with were “When is it okay to double down in Blackjack?” Then again, there were some snazzy t-shirts stating: Palmer+Casino=Jobs. So at least they’ve got some math in the debate. In terms of the social questions, it was likely a whole bunch of “So when is this whole ‘the American government raped the heritage of the Native Americans’ thing going to blow over?” Oh the irony of turning to the people forced onto separate land, because the only place we can gamble is on non-government property.

“Mayor’s race poses two different tasks”

The article continued to state those tasks as being: how to get Menino elected to an unprecedented fifth term and, well, how to have Flaherty lose the least respect when Menino gets elected to an unprecedented fifth term. The way I see it,  who cares if Menino speaks like Mumbles from the old Dick Tracy comics; the trash gets picked up, he doesn’t sleep with his employees, and they finally added bike lanes to Boston streets. I don’t ride a bicycle, but having them all in one lane makes it easier to get a combo bonus when I’m driving.

The Wilt Chamberlain of the animal kingdom

“Wayward manatee safely back in Fla.”

No joke, this actually made it into the paper. Apparently Ilya, a 1,100 pound Florida manatee spent three months traveling up the Eastern coast, and then had to be helicoptered home, because the water was too cold for him. Specialists are not sure why he wandered off, but it’s “most likely just curiosity.” That’s basically a subtle way of saying that Ilya, like so many other Americans, feels Florida is an over-rated vacation spot for Autumn. Other possible explanations were global warming or looking for females. So either the manatees’ habitat is in danger or Ilya had simply already gotten a piece of all the manatee tail in eastern Florida and was looking for a new flavor of the week. I’m willing to bet the flavor was probably lettuce.

“R.I. lawmakers vote to close prostitution loophole”

Well what am I supposed to do now? I mean, it used to be a nice little piece of trivia that Rhode Island had legalized prostitution. You say, “Hey, know what the only two states in the US are where prostitution is legal?” and then you tell people it’s Nevada and Rhode Island and they say “Rhode Island? Really?” So basically, my wine-and-cheese party icebreaker is ruined. There’s nothing interesting about the state that’s home to Sin City allowing legalized prostitution. I can’t start a conversation with that. Thank you very much Rhode Island legislature.

And finally, I decided to read through the Obituaries like lots of older people do. Somehow they find it really entertaining. I think most of the interest was lost on me, however, because I didn’t recognize any of the names.

Next Update: Whenever I Feel Like It (probably a Halloween top five list tomorrow)

Yes, it’s true; Hollywood has finally gotten so lazy that making bad movies just won’t cut it, they have to make bad movies that are remakes of bad movies. Oh I know, “but Nightmare is a horror classic,” you’re saying. Yes, yes it is. And like most horror classics, it’s just not that good as far as being a movie. The plot is the same, the characters are predictably two-dimensional, and the

Let's hope there isn't a sequel... Oops

teenagers always split up and go into a dark room even though they know the killer has just murdered all of their friends. Now, to be fair, this “new” Nightmare is less of a remake and more of a “re-imagining” according to director Samuel Bayer. He’s the famous director who has made… absolutely nothing you’ve ever heard of. He did direct a bunch of music videos, though (just like McG, the guy who directed Charlie’s Angels, and we all know how well that worked out).

The trailer is absolutely ridiculous, by the way. It starts with Kruger, before he’s a dream-invading killer, being chased by angry citizens and he’s screaming “Whatever you think I did, I didn’t do it!” A word of advice, if you don’t want to look ridiculously guilty, don’t deny doing whatever it is you didn’t do. You may think they think you did what they think you think you didn’t do, which is why you would tell them to not think you did what you… see how confusing you denying it makes everything! Secondly, if they’re willing to burn you alive in an old warehouse, chances are you did exactly what they think you did. I’m willing to bet it’s something worth murdering someone for – like forgetting to separate you recyclables from the trash before it gets picked up. Kruger then dons his trademark glove and proceeds, in the trailer, to let you watch as he kills all his victims. Thank you Mr. Bayer for maintaining the curiosity of how this film will be different than the original. Long story short, it’s not.

My biggest issue is that this recreation of Elm Street is typical of Hollywood’s business model: either milk an idea for as much as it’s worth by making it into a trilogy or milk an idea for as much as it’s worth by remaking it even though it was a classic the first time. It seems that the studios just can’t leave well enough alone. For that matter, where have all the original ideas gone?

Turn your head and cough, Herr Jones

The “trilogy terror”, as I call it – the notion that a sequel isn’t enough, so a third installment is ultimately produced and ends up being absolutely horrendous – is a problem that has plagued Hollywood for far too long. It got the Godfather, Spider-Man, Superman, Ninja Turtles, Indiana Jones, Terminator, and the list goes on and on. To be fair, Indy didn’t fall pray until he got abducted by aliens in Peru in 2008, but the fact remains that Doctah Jones never would have gotten probed if Hollywood hadn’t needed to squeeze every dime out of him. But now the studios are remaking films that were fine the first time. Actually, in most cases they’re making remakes of remakes.

You’ve heard of Fame haven’t you? It’s a blockbuster smash musical in theaters now. Except it was a TV show before that and before the TV show, it was a movie. Not just any movie: an Oscar-winning film. At this rate, I’m waiting to see the remake of Titanic, Gandhi, and Gone with the Wind. Maybe they’ll combine them into a heartwarming love story about fighting British colonial rule on a sinking plantation in the Civil War era South.

Frankly, my dear, I'm king of the world!

Gone with the Titanic Gandhi. Sounds like a winner to me. But really, where will it end? If even Oscar-winning films aren’t safe, if moves that helped define a genre aren’t off-limits, then what is?

The really great films, the original stories that make you sit in a theater and forget how long you’ve been there, are becoming more and more rare. Every year it seems more and more difficult to find serious contenders for the illustrious title of Best Original Screenplay. Even the winners in that category in recent years haven’t won because of original ideas. Milk won in 2009, Juno in 2008, and Little Miss Sunshine in 2007. These were all films that won because of the way they told their story, not the story they told. These wonderful films received the award because of crisp dialogue and strong character development, not because they presented especially unique ideas.

Where have the original ideas gone? Where are the The Stings or the Chinatowns or the The Usual Suspects? Hell, I’d even settle for a Memento and who could follow that backwards piece of junk? Have we drained the well of original thought? Are we cursed to forever relive the same tired plots again and again until we prey for Freddy Kruger to end our torture, whether he be original or remake edition? Is it really that there’s nothing new to be made or is it just that Hollywood wants to ring every penny out of an idea before they throw it to the side, ultimately ruining it forever? Honestly, the whole thing just seems like one giant nightmare.

Over the decades, the issue of race has been a PR nightmare for the Disney corporation. The release of Dumbo, in 1941, lead to the creation of possibly one of the most racially insensitive caricatures in animated film – the crows. If it wasn’t enough that the leader of the crew was

They've seen everything, except a black princess

named Jim Crow, the derogatory dialect probably pissed off a number of non-White viewers. But I doubt this surprised Disney, since, as the crows would say, “they’ve gone an’ done seen jus’a ’bout e’rythang”. And can we not get into the debate of “but that was the socially accepted view of Black people in the 40s”. Well, while that may be the case, in the 1800s it was socially acceptable to own individuals and work them to death; that doesn’t mean it isn’t morally reprehensible. And, honestly, the flock of “black”birds are really just the tip of the iceberg.

Everybody knows about the little racial hiccups over the years for Disney. There was Song of the South which Disney pulled from the retail market after the NAACP gave it a less than glowing review; the Native Neverlanders in Peter Pan (they’re not American, now are they?); and the hand-chopping incident in Aladdin. But what about the bigger problems?

It seems that The Princess and the Frog is going to become the next Disney film that is racist simply in the way it is produced. Pocahontas is a prime example. Should this story really have

Glad I *cough* remembered to bring a *cough* blanket

been told by the ancestors of the men who slaughtered the Native Americans? I realize the John Smith and Pocahontas spend the movie talking to Nature and learning how to properly build a canoe out of a tree trunk, but what about the other half of the story? You know, the part with the smallpox-covered blankets and the broken promises and the Trail of Tears. Isn’t it just a little insensitive to simply sugar-coat the actual history, just so it can get a G rating? The Princess and the Frog will no doubt be a similar tale, one that tells nothing of the actual struggle of the peoples involved, simply an Americanized version of the history our country chooses to remember.

The Princess and the Frog is Disney’s first real opportunity to correct the perception by many that they are a racist organization, but they’re screwing it up. The film is based in New Orleans in the 1920s, which if you’re a Black American, that is the time and place to do it. The princess gets to stay a princess, which is better than the original plan to have her be the chambermaid of a white debutante. Nope, couldn’t make it up if I wanted to. But here’s the kicker: Disney doesn’t even keep their first Black princess as a princess. They turn her into a frog. God forbid she actually remains human. No, the second the Black princess falls in love with the White prince cum frog, she gives up everything that makes her who she is and becomes a frog just like him. But that’s probably too complex of a message for kids to understand, right? I’ve lost you. You’re still stuck on the fact that the prince is White, aren’t you?

That’s right; not only does Disney have their first Black heroine abandon her heritage to be with a guy, but it’s to be with a White guy. I have no problem with inter-racial relationships, but if every other character in the movie is Black, then why the heck is there a single White prince hopping

That's liquid frog in his hands

around the Louisiana bayou? And yes, every other main character is Black – especially the villain. He’s an evil Voodoo priest who has a craving for frog’s legs or something. So, we’ve got an evil Cajun voodoo priest, a Black princess in the post-Civil War South, who spends the movie as a frog (not as a Black princess), and she’s falling for the only White guy in 50 miles. I don’t know why I thought this movie would be interpreted as even mildly racist. Then again, I suppose anything is better than those crows.

From the opening credits, one immediately understands the kind of gory, classic, B-movie camp to be witnessed over the next hour and a half. The zombies basically salivate blood, the intestines they consume are a cross between balloons and roast beef, and the monsters’ heads explode like a watermelon, moments after an M-80 firecracker has been stuffed inside. In fact, the gory effects are, as is often the case with zombie flicks, half of the entertainment. The creative fashion in which the living dead are repeatedly removed allows for Z-land’s special effects team to employ some top notch tricks that make the audience audibly cringe. The “zombie kill of the week” utilizing a piano is a perfect example.

Yet, beneath the flesh-rotted exterior, there are many aspects which lead to audience enjoyment, even if the zombies were non-existent. The on-screen chemistry of the four main characters elevates Zombieland from a classic gorefest to a classic gorefest with heart. Hollywood veteran Woody Harrelson leads the cast as a believably ridiculous father figure with an attitude. Little Miss Sunshine herself, Abigail Breslin, is surprisingly powerful in her opening scene and appears completely at home on the screen. Emma Stone, of Superbad and The House Bunny fame, and Jesse Eisenberg, who appeared in The Emperor’s Club and Adventureland, both hold their own with these two A-listers and create an adorable couple who you route for when the going gets tough.

Perhaps my two largest criticisms of the film was the writing and one specific aspect of the directing. As many of you know, today’s adolescent “IT” boy is Michael Cera. He’s been in Juno, Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist, Arrested Development, and many other great projects; but he’s not in this film. At least, he’s not there in body. It appears as if Eisenberg was directed towards acting in what can best be described as a “Cerian” manner. The charming awkwardness, the semi-confused line delivery, all of the things Michael Cera is known for, came out in Jesse Eisenberg. Did Fleischer not have enough money to get Cera, so instead he got an actor who could pretend to be the fantasy casting pick? To his credit, Eisenberg does a spot on job with what was a directing decision that gave no respect to Eisenberg as an actor in his own right.

Apart from this mis-direction, the plot left quite a bit lacking. If taken at face value, as a funny, but bare-bones script with no deep emotional moments, then it does fine. It serves it’s purpose as a vehicle to thrash some zombies and have some laughs. Apart from that, however, there are dozens of disappointing gaps; to the degree that it almost detracts from the film as a whole. The zombie outbreak is barely explained (“mad cow disease became mad people disease became mad zombie disease”) and the background of the characters is glossed over at best. In fact, many moments that could have been quite powerful were glossed over, perhaps because they weren’t funny enough. A heart-wrenching realization about Woody Harrelson’s character is played down, even though it is one of the most honest moments in the film.

Zombieland is either “amazing” or “horrible” depending on what you enter the theater expecting. If you want a zombie gore fest a la 28 Days, then you will be sorely disappointed. There is no real horror in this film, and the zombies are the creatures who are the prey, not the humans. If, however, you are expecting a campy zombie flick in the tradition of Shaun of the Dead or Army of Darkness, then this is the perfect Halloween-time treat. I entered the theater with absolutely no expectations, knowing only that this was a film with Woody Harrelson and a bunch of zombies. Ultimately, I was pleasantly surprised, and for me that’s saying quite a bit. It’s a thoroughly enjoyable, zombie-bashing comedy that is simply a good-time movie with no deeper meaning. I believe my initial one-word response once the credits rolled was: “Cute”. And of course, I mean that in as much as a flesh-chewing, blood-drenched, zombie-stomping comedy can be “cute”.

Acting: B

Writing: C+/B-

Overall: B

On the star scale: 4 out of 5

Yes, on October 18, long before the leaves began to fall from the trees, snow began to fall from the sky. It felt a tad premature; similar to that one kid in elementary school who had a full beard, even though you were still in 6th grade. Naturally, it brings to the forefront the burning question about the validity of the global warming theory. That’s right, I called it a theory. Just like evolution, gravity, and whether or not the world is actually round, many individuals believe global warming to be the same kind of liberal whining that kept George Bush from winning the Presidency in 2008.

The Earth in 10 years

It’s an interesting notion; that perhaps the science on global warming is not in fact all that solid, especially since most scientists don’t really understand our planet on a microcosmic level, let alone the temperature fluctuations over the last 100,000 years. The EPA, in fact, notes that there are dozens of factors which influence the global temperature, ranging from volcanic eruptions and ocean currents to the Sun’s intensity and changes in the Earth’s orbit. Basically, a lot of scientists who were definitive in their belief that the Earth was heating up are, deciding, in the last few months, that they aren’t so sure anymore.

Also the Earth in 10 years

At this point it seems equally likely that we could all be living in a giant ice cube by 2020 as it is that we could be trying to survive on a massive charcoal briquette. But I suppose that’s fair, because as we all know, Science isn’t an exact science.

Remember the Duke University study in 2002 that claimed coffee has major toxic effects on the body and amplified stress in people who drank it everyday? Neither did I, that’s why I had to Google it. Many individuals took this study as proof that coffee was bad for you, at least until a 2004 Harvard University study stated that long-term consumption of coffee helped decrease the risk for type-2 diabetes.  Wait, what? So science firmly states that coffee can either kill you or keep you from getting diabetes? Yeah, pretty much.

All I’m saying is that maybe, before everyone decides whether or not humanity is going to be destroyed by giant slabs of possibly flaming ice, we place this issue in a broader spectrum than just “humans are causing the global temperature to rise.” Yes, fear gets things done. Nobody would be trying to decrease carbon emissions if politicians and scientists were claiming that the Earth could, possibly, though not definitely, in all likelihood, maybe, be warming due, in large part but not entirely, to the Industrial Revolution. Has there been a massive increase in greenhouse gas emissions in the last 150 years? Absolutely. There no reason to not at least try to minimize the garbage humanity is throwing into the ozone layer. But it’s a little egotistical of us to think that it’s the only reason the Earth is getting warmer.

I know, I know; if you think Global Warming is a hoax then you must be a conservative-crazed, polar bear-hating, seal-clubbing, Republican industrialist. Meanwhile, if you believe Global Warming is true then you must be a liberal-

And I bet you think puppies are cute too

loving, granola-eating, dolphin-humping, Democrat environmentalist. It’s really just not that simple. I love a good dolphin humping just as much as the next guy, but that doesn’t mean Global Warming is hard science. And it’s true, I hate polar bears (look at those vicious little cretins), but that doesn’t mean Global Warming is total garbage. There has to be a middle ground.

Think about it a different way: humanity has already survived major climate change. Throughout the last ice age, known as the Pleistocene epoch, Homo sapiens were thriving. In fact, we did so well that we beat out the competition of Homo neanderthalensis and began creating complex civilizations around the world. Around 10,000 years ago, as the world was beginning to warm up again during the Holocene era,

The guy who probably wrote the Bible

civilizations around the world created their creation stories, virtually all of which center around a major flood episode. So it’s a fair bet that there was, in fact, a major flood. It leaves a bit of a sour taste in a lot of people’s mouths – since it’s very likely a caveman probably gave rise to religion – but it doesn’t make it any less likely.

Humanity is an incredibly adaptable species, and the Earth is even more adaptable than we are. I realize we’re all freaked out by the fact that the world is changing around us, and that half of us may drown in the next 20 years, but trust me, both humanity and the world are going to be fine. Just because the turkeys for Thanksgiving will be frozen this year, whether hunted or store-bought, doesn’t mean there’s any reason to freak out. Besides, even if the Earth floods, like a poorly-plumbed toilet after someone eats Mexican food, and all of humanity is wiped out completely, I highly doubt the polar bears are going to miss us.

First, let’s look at the irony of the Nobel Peace Prize itself. Doesn’t anyone find it a little odd that it’s funded by the money made by the man who invented dynamite? That’s right; this guy off to the right, Alfred Nobel, became a

Here's Nobel calmly thinking about how to blow up the planet

trillionaire after he created what would be the backbone of Coyote and Roadrunner cartoons half a century later. And no, he isn’t the man who thought up “Boom goes the dynamite”. But hey, just because the man was an armaments manufacturer and explosives inventor doesn’t mean he didn’t want peace. After all, what better way to bring to people closer than have them huddle together in the street after you blow up their homes? Ultimately, Nobel became so mind-bendingly wealthy that he just had to give it all away. Which he did, by creating a foundation all about himself. It’s purpose, to give out awards and sums of money so vast that it would thoroughly piss off everyone else who didn’t win.

But let’s ignore all that for the moment. Let’s focus, instead, on the shinning history of the Nobel Peace Prize and the committee that awards it. Did you know that simply by being nominated for the prize, President Obama was among some of the most important names in history? Oh yes. Among them, such peace-loving giants as Joseph Stalin, Benito Mussolini, and Adolf Hitler. It’s no urban legend, Hitler was actually nominated for the Peace Prize. In 1939, a year after Germany invaded and annexed Austria, and threw a temper tantrum that ultimately won him the Sudetenland, Hitler was nominated by Swedish Parliament member Eric Brandt. I should probably be careful, though, or I’ll end up on Fox News for saying that Obama getting a Nobel Prize nomination makes him equal to Hitler. All I’m saying is that the group doesn’t have a fantastic track record.

Also worth mentioning, neither Gandhi nor Pope John Paul II ever won the award. Meanwhile, other “A-list” winners include: Woodrow Wilson, for creating a league of nations so united that there was only one world war in the next 20 years; Yasser Arafat for playing both sides of the political coin and getting away with continuing to support violence in Israel; and Jimmy Carter for helping to build houses after coming from the humble beginnings of a billionaire peanut farmer.

Most likely to steal your lunch money, even though you're almost 30

Listen, the Norse (or is it Norweegees) can give the prize to whomever they see fit, but let’s not go around pretending that it means anything. We don’t hold anyone else to the useless prizes they win. If we did, then most of us would be expected to live up to the brilliant superlatives thought up for us by the high school yearbook committee. And while the captain of the football team is still likely to be an a-hole in 20 years, nobody holds him to it.

The thing to remember is that the Nobel Peace Prize is just a statue given out by a small group of people. It doesn’t reflect what the world thinks. Just because Crash won the Best Picture Oscar in 2006, doesn’t mean it actually was the best picture of the year. (Everybody knows that the one about gay cowboys should have won it) And in regards to whether or not someone deserves to win the award? Who are we to decide who is or is not worthy of recognition? You don’t see me complaining that I didn’t get a Pulitzer this year, even though God knows I deserve one.

My personal favorite when it comes to superheroes is a man who goes by many names: the World’s Greatest Detective, the Caped Crusader, the Dark Knight. That’s right, I’m talking about Batman. If you spent your childhood dreaming of being a superhero, as I did, you either wanted to be Superman or Batman. Maybe Green Lantern, but honestly a guy who runs around in green tights is kind of pathetic. Since I realized I could never be a red-caped alien who gained super powers under the Earth’s yellow sun, I opted to idolize Batman. He’s known the world over and since his inception in May of 1939, he’s faced many insane villains. From Joker and Two-Face to the Riddler and the Penguin, Bruce Wayne’s alter-ego has seen it all. These villains are considered by most to be the creme de la creme of the criminally crazy; but what about the lesser known killers who are just as terrifying? Let’s take a look, shall we?

Number Five: Reaper (aka Judson Caspian)

Greatest Halloween costume EVER

Maybe a 50-foot Grim Reaper doesn’t seem that terrifying at first. Honestly, as a super-villain, he’s not that bad-ass. He’s got no super powers, no Special Ops training, nothing. He’s just a mild-mannered billionaire socialite by day, who dons a cape and murders people at night. Oh, did I forget to mention that? Yeah, he’s basically Batman’s opposite. This guy was a ne’er-do-well but after his wife was murdered by a thug in the streets, instead of turning to a life of justice, ending crime in Gotham City and saving us all, he decided to kill everyone. The kicker: nobody knows who he is. I mean, ultimately he’s hunted down by Batman, but only once his body toll reaches a count that shows up on the Dark Knight’s radar. How many bodies must that be? 20? 50? 100?

I love kittens!

Essentially, he ends up making Patrick Bateman look sane. You know, the guy who cuts out homeless people’s eyes and feeds kittens to ATM machines. The Reaper is basically him but taken to the level of all villains in the Batman universe. But yeah, I guess apart from being a complete disillusion sociopath, he;s not that noteworthy. Except that he dresses like Death himself. Ultimately, he makes this guy off on the right look like Mother Teresa.

Number Four: Hush (aka Dr. Thomas Elliot)

Swirly or Death?

This guy is essentially Macaulay Culkin in The Good Son, if they had made a sequel where the pint-sized psycho is all grown up. When he is a kid, Hush tries to kill his own parents. When he fails and his mother is saved by Bruce Wayne’s surgeon father, Hush turns his attention toward the entire Wayne family. He grew up as a millionaire and was a childhood friend of Bruce Wayne, but ended up becoming a bully with a serious inferiority complex. Basically, instead of doing all the usual things bullies do (wedgies, wet willies, swirlies, stealing your lunch money) Hush would just kill you. Once he grows up, he spends his considerable monetary resources to train himself in the same way as Batman. Batman’s two “rules” are that he doesn’t use guns and he doesn’t kill people. Imagine how unstoppable the Caped Crusader would be if he broke those rules. Well, Hush doesn’t have those rules. On top of it all, most bullies are dumb. Hush, on the other hand, has manipulated the likes of Two-Face, Scarecrow, Killer Croc, and the Joker. He played Joker like a chump. He’s a bully with a brain. So similar to the next villain on the list, he’s a nightmare taken to the next level.

Number Three: Solomon Grundy

Hulk want brains

Grundy, originally Ryan Funderburk, is essentially a zombie with a brain. And as a word of advice, don’t make fun of the fact that he’s named Funderburk, because he can snap you in half like a toothpick. That’s right, he has strength that would make Superman pee his blue and red tights. Apart from being able to cripple the Man of Steel, Grundy also has a healing factor, making him virtually indestructible. Imagine your worst zombie fears; the unlimited strength, the inability to kill them, the insatiable hunger, and now add to them that this undead villain has the rational capacity to commit crimes and reason. It’s probably why this zombified horror is on Batman, Superman, Swamp Thing, and the Green Lantern’s respective hit lists. He’s been thrown under a train, fired off to the moon, taken on the Justice League single handed, been kicked into a blast furnace, and the list goes on and on. This is a super-villain that terrifies the entire super hero universe, and yet you’ll never see him in a Batman film.

Number Two: Professor Pyg (aka Lazlo Valentin)

Souiiiiiiiieeeeee

Let’s start with the fact that this creeper first shows up in comic issue #666. If that’s not enough to convince you he’s pure evil, just take a look at this. He takes his name from Pygmalion and has an obsession with making people “perfect” through tweaked-out plastic surgery methods.  He uses all manner of unsanitary tools, such as handsaws, icepicks, belt sanders, drills, hammers, and a whole host of other items found at your local Home Depot to lobotomize his victims and surgically “enhance” their faces to look like porcelain dolls. Creepy, demented porcelain dolls made of human flesh. Pyg’s version of “perfection” is apparently some twisted cross between Jack Nicholson at the end of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest and an American Girl doll. Add to all of this that Pyg was actually successful in capturing Batman’s famed boy-toy/sidekick Robin. That’s not saying much, since the Joker was able to do the same thing, but that basically puts Professor Pyg’s criminal intellect on the level of Master of Mayhem himself. Maybe Pyg’s creators, Grant Morrison and Andy Kubert, really hated farm animals or maybe they had spent too many nights watching Deliverance, either way, they’ve now passed on the apparent horror of both in a lunatic who will change my view of Miss Piggy for all eternity.

Number One: Cornelius Stirk

Kali-MAAA

Stirk makes the top of the list for a number of reasons, the chief among them that he looks like the Crypt Keeper. Oh, did I forget to mention that he also can induce terror in anyone’s mind, just like the Scarecrow, but he doesn’t need anything other than his brain to do it. Right, Stirk can cause your worst fears to become reality using telepathy. The good news is that his powers will eventually run out: unless he eats your heart. Not “heart” as in your courage or benevolence or fortitude. He needs to feast on your actual heart in order to maintain his psychic abilities. Your ticker, your clock, your cardiac muscle. I mean, my god, at least the Scarecrow won’t desecrate your corpse once he kills you. Stirk makes the priest from Temple of Doom look like one of Britney Spears’ ridiculously costumed backup dancers. Also, he can take on the face of anyone he wants: Batman, Mickey Mouse, or even your great-aunt Pearl. And once he gets really close, he’ll tear out your heart and feast on it as if it were a Granny Smith fresh off the tree. Any wonder why he’s at the top of the list?

In the early 90s there were games where you could get hopped up on mushrooms, crush living creatures under foot, and use the Devil’s magic to light enemies on fire. All of this, I might add, was accomplished while on a Dirty Harry-esque suicide mission to take down an evil dictator who abducted your girlfriend. Yes, I’m talking about Super Mario Bros. Parents get all uppity these days because video games are too violent and send the wrong messages and desensitize children to violence. I’ve got news for you people, it didn’t all start with Grand Theft Auto. One of the major differences between Mario and GTA, or even Ninja Gaiden 2 for that matter, is their lack of elegance. That’s right, I’m saying that Mario is the winner in the violent battle of

VS

Now, I’m sure everyone is saying “Um, did you even look at those two pictures?” Yes, yes I did. And that’s just the point. Today, people assume that simply because something is more visually graphic it’s more violent. But Mario has all the same aspects of the “worst” games: drugs, violence, giant dinosaurs trying to mate with mushroom princesses. Nobody bats an eyelash at Mario, however, because Nintendo was dedicated enough to be subtle about all of these properties. They weren’t lazy.

Video game designers today are so focused on cranking out the next big gore-splashing hit that nobody focuses on the elegance of how to quietly provide the same messages and the same enjoyment without all the mess. Where is the time and energy put into turning the player’s mind to mush without simply covering the screen in a bucket of pig’s blood? And let’s not fool ourselves; Mario sends all the same messages that Grand Theft Auto does, in fact probably more. Mario has you use mushrooms and technicolor stars to become strong or invincible. Mario has you bash villains in the head until they’re flattened like a pancake. Have you ever seen someone smash a hard boiled egg? Well crushing a giant mushroom isn’t much different. Now imagine the mushroom has a brain and a family of little baby mushrooms to support. All the mental queues are there for both games: violence is okay when you think you’re in the right, collecting money and grabbing coins are central to doing better in life, there will be shortcuts, and if you mess up you can just start over. Instead of dismissing the connection as ridiculous, actually think about it for a minute.

Perhaps the argument is that Mario isn’t realistic while modern video games are. What about Duck Hunt? Remember that one? It’s the game where you hold a handgun and shoot animals. The “light” gun was shaped similar to a real gun and it had a trigger like a real gun. Of course, the technology of the 1990s was atrocious, so a child was guaranteed to get bored of trying to actually play and sooner or later simply press the muzzle up to the screen and kill the ducks that way. Either way, what message does that send: that guns are fun? I guess the gun was just a toy, so it’s not that realistic.

In regards to Super Mario’s realism: a picture is worth a thousand words.

Society needs to stop blaming violence on video games and television. Virtual violence was just as prevalent in the late 80s and early 90s as it is today, except it was more psychologically sophisticated. Just because a kid happened to be a gamer and then went out and murdered his roommate or robbed a convenient store or overdosed on drugs, doesn’t mean it’s because of the games he played. There are some people in the world who are very troubled. There are some people in the world who need help. The fact of the matter is that it’s easier to blame a game than to actually get up and do something about it.

Honestly, I think video games are just as brain-rottingly entertaining as they were 20 years ago. Yes, they’re bloodier, but the premise is the same: incapacitate the henchmen, murder the boss, save the girl. So I’m going to keep playing them, because I don’t see any ill effects from my years of enjoying virtual violence. Then again, I do really enjoy eating mushrooms…