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October 30, 2009

Okay you ADD delinquents, I’ve been catching flak from some people that 1000 words is too long for a blog. Sorry it’s not a podcast. Regardless, in order to keep your ever dwindling attention, I’ve decided to reformat for today to something that will last about as long as the average American is willing to read. That’s right, it’s all about the headlines. Specifically, some of the headlines from the Metro section of the Boston Globe. As the Conservative element in Massachusetts calls it: good clean communist-loving propaganda fun.


Now with more brain-swelling flavor!

“BU grad student develops infection: Possible link to lab experiment raises new safety concerns”

Yup, some genius at the Boston University medical campus managed to get himself infected with a bacterial infection; except maybe not. The Globe states it is “not yet certain that the researcher’s illness was caused by the bacteria he worked with.” Oh, so then this isn’t actually a story worth covering in the news? I’m confused. The article claimed the student developed a bacterial infection “days after conducting  experiments with dangerous meningitis germs”. Unlike the safe meningitis germs one might spread on toast. Wheat germ, meningitis germ? Seems perfectly safe to me. Though, knowing the party mentality of most BU students, at least the ones I know, this brilliant researcher probably just confused his test tube of deadly, brain-numbing bacteria for his test tube shot of Jagermeister.

“Senate candidates pledge to carry on Kennedy’s work”

Candidates promise to put in numerous hours of heavy drinking, sleeping during Senate sessions, and generally being such a bad-ass that they can pull off both without catching any flak. What? Too soon? Well then I’m not even going to mention the headline about “Bishop wants to meet with Kennedy”.

“Panel grapples with economic, social questions on casinos”

dog poker

Dog tracks and casinos combined

I’m virtually positive that the only economic questions they dealt with were “When is it okay to double down in Blackjack?” Then again, there were some snazzy t-shirts stating: Palmer+Casino=Jobs. So at least they’ve got some math in the debate. In terms of the social questions, it was likely a whole bunch of “So when is this whole ‘the American government raped the heritage of the Native Americans’ thing going to blow over?” Oh the irony of turning to the people forced onto separate land, because the only place we can gamble is on non-government property.

“Mayor’s race poses two different tasks”

The article continued to state those tasks as being: how to get Menino elected to an unprecedented fifth term and, well, how to have Flaherty lose the least respect when Menino gets elected to an unprecedented fifth term. The way I see it,  who cares if Menino speaks like Mumbles from the old Dick Tracy comics; the trash gets picked up, he doesn’t sleep with his employees, and they finally added bike lanes to Boston streets. I don’t ride a bicycle, but having them all in one lane makes it easier to get a combo bonus when I’m driving.


The Wilt Chamberlain of the animal kingdom

“Wayward manatee safely back in Fla.”

No joke, this actually made it into the paper. Apparently Ilya, a 1,100 pound Florida manatee spent three months traveling up the Eastern coast, and then had to be helicoptered home, because the water was too cold for him. Specialists are not sure why he wandered off, but it’s “most likely just curiosity.” That’s basically a subtle way of saying that Ilya, like so many other Americans, feels Florida is an over-rated vacation spot for Autumn. Other possible explanations were global warming or looking for females. So either the manatees’ habitat is in danger or Ilya had simply already gotten a piece of all the manatee tail in eastern Florida and was looking for a new flavor of the week. I’m willing to bet the flavor was probably lettuce.

“R.I. lawmakers vote to close prostitution loophole”

Well what am I supposed to do now? I mean, it used to be a nice little piece of trivia that Rhode Island had legalized prostitution. You say, “Hey, know what the only two states in the US are where prostitution is legal?” and then you tell people it’s Nevada and Rhode Island and they say “Rhode Island? Really?” So basically, my wine-and-cheese party icebreaker is ruined. There’s nothing interesting about the state that’s home to Sin City allowing legalized prostitution. I can’t start a conversation with that. Thank you very much Rhode Island legislature.

And finally, I decided to read through the Obituaries like lots of older people do. Somehow they find it really entertaining. I think most of the interest was lost on me, however, because I didn’t recognize any of the names.

Next Update: Whenever I Feel Like It (probably a Halloween top five list tomorrow)

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